the Walls we build don't keep people out

20 weeks is a long time, I tried another blog, I'm sorry l_j

So in 7 days I'm moving away from Edinburgh. Keep repeating that it isn't forever, and I think once I'm away if I miss it that much I WILL get back here. So much of the last 8 months has been spent in denial that i need to move no, from my fear of change and the unknown.... i hate starting again, or at least i did.

with relationships coming to an end in the uk (some need to, and this is the perfect excuse to not keep in contact) and me going back to the us properly for the first time in 3 years (I was a hermit in 2006, living a very small life online, at the APT, my job, the gym, and WW) I have... realised omething? or it has come to my attention via chats with people that starting over can be a good thing, there will be no baggage from my life... if I don't want it. I can tell people what I like and not have it questioned like I it is here, I can just be 'fit liz' with no 'fat liz' questions.

When I came to Edinburgh, I wanted to challenge myself and change.... I did that, so now I want to move on and be the new me fully....

man, it's been awhile.

let's see, since I last updated I put on weight over christmas. truth i had put on some before christmas, but the three weeks home fucked me up. Hormone levels in serious flux, and for what? well, nothing it turns out. Haven't seen him in 3 weeks, can't be bothered and it was getting unhealthy.

Well, I am/was being unhealthy. Family issues rear their ugly heads and I put myself through the same thing again and again.

The low down
-i am working on getting a new job/another job as my current position is really shit and they are cutting our hours. fuck
-i have signed up for couseling, i have mommy issues. and issues with myself that i want to work out before....
-moving back to america. i don't want to! said in a 5 year old voice. and i don't want to do this degree. there, i said it. i don't like this job. i want to be a sweaty gym rat for the rest of my life. not a cad monkey. so i will become a trainer/gym worker. somehow. i will. even if i do go back and get my masters i will get qualified as well for my sanity.
-stop trying to please certain people in my life. they don't stop their dreams for me, i should not expect that. the other side of that is that i can also do WHAT I WANT!
-try to lose the 5kg i put on over December-January and have kept. Hopefully as I fix the physical and emotional problems the working out and eating will realign to what I had.


positives:
-visiting dom over easter next weekend
-caledonian challenge in june (must raise £500!)
-julia coming to visit (this is nice and lovely, apart from I'm sick of defending myself to 'the family'. if they don't like my life, i don't ask them to live it, but respect it and stop talking about it in a derogatory way! fuck off. )

new ipod mixes that kick ass are making me happppppppppy.

I will try to update more frequently that every 3 months. Really. Just got out of the habit and then life sort of snowballed and I went to the dark place. I feel brighter and it's sunny now in edinburgh. :)

I'm stranded in new york, this is the first time the weather has delayed my return home! I'm impressed and really upset.

went to the doctors on friday and get a new pill, hopefully it will be better..... right now i still feel eeurgh about my self.... the 6 pounds on my body is not making me happy. over the looooong holiday home my goal is not put on weight, and work out 5 days a week, totally doable. might run on a 6th day, but i don't want to go crazy. so not too much alcohol or cookies or cakes. this resolution is going well as last night i ordered a burger and fries take away from the only plac that delivered to the hotel and took credit cards.... it was tasty. mmmmmm. in fact, might have a shower and do some plyometrics now. lack of clothing is a little odd. i'm hanging out naked as all my clothes needed to air out. that's right, i'm going to be a little smelly tomorrow.

saw ewan friday, it was so much fun! why can't i find that with someone who wants to spend time with me and me with them? i'm tired of being alone..... attempting to not get my heart crushed by him. focus on the amazing! argh. okay, i'm geting up now, and have to charge the laptop before it dies.

oh, note....

going to visit the architecture school in boston while home, even though the thought makes me want to puke. i want to do nutrition! and help people! buildings are not my *passion*, they are something i can do. woooooo, not.


thank god for free wireless internet! :) merry christmas to you all if i don't update before then.

taking a certain medication has made me an emotional wreck, exaserbated the weight i was putting on, and caused me to feel insane.

I feel out of control and lost and alone and I HATE IT.

Okay, so I have yet to properly update on my life in any detail for some time. Here goes...

Since august, I've been seeing a guy, E, for one thing. sex. it started on the first date, and we have just continued. He is the real reason I dumped john. And I didn't see him for 3 weeks when I thought I might have been pregnant and had started seeing maths boy. That didn't wrk out, but that was because I saw ewan again and was not interested in sleeping with anyone else. I really would be happy if I could sleep with E more than once a week i would be really happy...

last night he came over late and drunk and this morning we had a little chat about what we're doing. His comment was that he is not good at realationships, and is both a liability and an asset (his words, not mine). But that he's not seeing anyone else and likes me. thinks i'm lovely. don't think he would llike it if i was seeing anyone else, but isn't my boyfriend. i did not lie to him, he is the only person i have slept with since august... he's the longest relationship ever! and it's totally not! we see each other at the weekends at night (drunk booty calls) but in the morning it's so good. 2 weeks ago i had the best sex of my life (not hard) and it was just amazing. mmmmmmm. all morals have flown out the window.

so, i am sleeping with aguy who is shit at relationships, but really likes having sex. with me. and i love having sex with him. i love that he is so up for it.

sorry if you didn't want to know all that, but i can't stop telling my friends. i have to talk about it, it's so exciting to me. sex sex sex.

the job is boring, i am tired and can't wait to go away for 3 weeks. i sometimes love learning so much about the process of architecture, but there is not enough teaching at work... you are just left alone to muddle through. i survived the redundancy cuts, feel positive about my job, but wish for more inspiring projects.

christmas is coming, i am broke, so everyone is getting baked goods or little gifts that i can afford. christmas lite.

Thing is, if my parents don't offer to get me some winter clothes and running gear i will be in trouble this winter. never have i been so cold in winter. my hands and feet are freezing. i know that the weight los has contributed, but seriously! freezing all the time. all the time. i'm wearing 3 layers right now and still chilllllllllly!

going home for three weeks, hope it will be okay. i feel like i can remain in control as long as i join the gym and work out 5 days a week. i need to have a new goal, or i will lose the plot. my workouts recently have been hard to complete and my food is either super good or totally shit. trying to reset myself to not binge on the weekends, and it's going alright. i think the lack of money will help, can't afford to buy lots of shit, only things to fuel myself well. we'll see....

trying to get the running back, the cold and dark are playing with my moods as well.

what else? I feel busy busy till i go home, and hope i have enough time to get everything done.

mmmmmm, i will try to update further tomorrow at work, or again in the evening. but there you go for part of what is going on. :)

so i went up, but man i have been uber stressed. too much to write. but i feel lucky i didn't put on more...

dumped d tonight, wasn't interested anymore, feel much better. :)

will blog about other stuff later!!!!!!!!!!!! soon

oh, my new 'goal' is 147, but the ideal is 140. now the 4 people who read this and give a shite, i need a goal to work towards or i will get complacent. so choosing something that i can focus on is what will keep me at my weight range. otherwise we will have a repeat of august where i put on 7 pounds. yuck!


So I have this great news from the trainer, I am the lowest he's ever weighted me. what do I do? proceed to eat a mini loaf of soda bread, halloween candy, and fish pie with bread and cheese and wine for dinner. then came back and had more food late at night. I was back on track sunday, but honestly, I felt all crampy saturday and for what??? food is not a reward, a massage is! guh, I now have to work really hard this week at the gym to combat my massive calorie intake.

in other news: there is a boy, and we like him, and that's all i'm writing right now ;) just made curry, he's coming over to eat squash on wednesday. and i'm going to make him watch the departed because he's never seen it!

I'm looking at colleges and universities next year, going to apply over here to the eca, strathclyde, and the glasgow school of art. back home, I want to apply to the boston architectural centre, the university of maryland, and a school in california.... i think that is enough. Oh, a place in NYC! for sure. :) :) :)

I'm trying to remain positive and productive at work, but honestly i feel out of my depth sometimes and my deadlines are always on top of one another, then i havbe nothing to do for 2 days. we girls in the office have started to hang out together, it's nice.

Friday is halloween, I'm the statue of liberty. making a crown and torch tomorrow night. going to get tights, green bra and body paint tomorrow at lunch. It's going to be immense. Punk P and I are going to see james bond at the cinema in our costumes. i know you're jealous!

Alright, i'm off to update

Sweet! Of course, i proceeded to carbo load to the point of disgust the rest of the day..... which totally contradicts what I am doing!!!!! I frustrate myself. back on track today and yesterday. The new non snack elizabeth at work is doing well, and I still have yet to have caffine..... whoa. And ran for 28 minutes sunday! lalalalalalala going to run for 35 tomorrow, i'm running on the treadmill to control the surface. it's not tooooo boring.

I miss my friends. it is depressing. I feel like I can't talk to shoko freely when sam sam is around. is that odd? We are going to see a movie together wednesday, I will be rushing about beforehand to get to body blitz class and back. At least my nights are busy, even if it is with just my own workouts that i give to myself.

and at work they've cancelled overtime, the water service, and the cleaner. As long as I atill have my job, I'm happy. Think I'll start going in early just because. I'm awake anyway, and aas long as I don't need to work out in the am, I can get in at least a half hour early and hopefully show that I am a hard worker.... :S

and the chart thing, woooooooooo.
My Weight Chart:



I am sorting out my life. Thinking about university courses next year, part time in america so I can afford to work and study and live outside the family home.

The lack of running is getting there, I have routines and plans for the gym that keep me challenged and I have started jogging again! 15 minutes saturday and 20 minutes this morning. My foot feels fine, it's the legs and hip flexors that are not used to it. So it will be at least a month of slowly working up to a decent time out running and then working on my distance again. Running will be used as a stress reliever and a supplement to the gym workouts, not the other way around. But I think this is the final piece to the puzzle to get my weight back down to home levels. As the ticker shows it is getting better.

The trainer put me on a detox last week and that definitely helped. I have not had caffeine for over a week. I sometimes think about going on a massive binge, but i know it won't taste as nice as my memories, so I resist.

My dad is getting me a flight back, thank god! I can't afford to get one right now. My credit card is going to be paid off in.... 6 months? i was an idiot with it and so have banned it's use. Going to apply for another purely to transfer the balance so I can not pay interest. clever me, woo. just means living on my little budget for a few months. just need to focus on what i need to get back into university and keep working hard at my job so that i don't get made redundant. That is a MASSIVE worry for me. everyday the news is all about money money money, banks banks banks. :S

alright, that's all for now, a boy update will be for another day. ;)

so there's a lot going on in my head..... i mean, there always is but it seems to have gotten on top of me. again. and it's affecting my physical self, so it needs to be sorted out.

1. online dating has been fun, and i met 6 guys... 4 duds, and 2 potentials. i saw j for 7 weeks and then broke it off yesterday. he wasn't the guy for me, and it's better to be than with someone i'm not attracted to.

texting the othet guy now, but nothiong has happened for 2 weeks..... i'm just gonna wait and see. not fussed, would rather concentrate on getting next year's plan sorted (that is stressing me out, the life plan or really lack there of.) and get back on track with my weight as i've put on 7 pounds.... the realief at looking great for going home and getting my personal best time in the half marathon has left me feeling a little directionless. i worked so hard from may to august that i got lazy, complacent. I liked being the size and weight i got to at the end of july..... so if i can get back there and stick, that's it. but it's not going to make me happy. i had a guy who liked me. that didn't make me happy. so what is making me unhappy???? that is a bit more complicated......





i am bored.
bored at work
bored with my life.
worried that i will end up like s's boyfriend s and be a lump of nothing. other people's lives are moving on. g moved to hong kong, s graduated from grad schhol, j and z are traveling and living on the other side of thee world. so what am i doing? i answer the questions people ask with my standard 'i'm going back to uni next year, or working or going part time to uni. well i need to actually apply. and the reality is that i will have to go home to pay for it. university. well, home to america. it's a big country and i proved to myself this summer that i can go home and maintain my lefestyle. i can do it at home too. and s is really happy with her boyfriend, next year they will probably go to uni together. and i will still be here. i might not be alone, but i can't wait for a guy to sweep me off my feet over here. i need to move on, and stop being the fat girl who is frozen with a complete lack of confidence. i am not fat anymore. i have confidence, more now than i have had in years.


i need to start moving forward with my life again. i have huge debts that won't be paid off by my spending habits. so i will cut back. adults take responsibility for their actions. i overspent tghis summer and the result is less money now. i can do it. and i can continue to work on my life, without making it a big deal. the face i put on to the world must be one of control, no one wants to see you drowning.

Off to clean up my room and clean out my clothes. then to the gym and then baking with Stef. :) today is a new day.

to sorting out my life. :)

Hello all (read, one or two who actually read this blog)

I am back from the scary place i call home and I am okay! I actually lost weight! I felt content most of the time. I had a good holiday. Shock. All my stress was for nothing because I decided how stressful it would be.







I did things i wanted to do. shop, work out, see my immediate family. that was all i wanted to do and i did it. did not talk about any hot button issues and avoided conflict.

that is it really, all the details are, not irrelevant, but they just are evidence that i had the holidaay i wanted. not what others thought a holiday would be, but what i needed to do. me me me.

wow, sometimes i think i need to be less self involved. oh well, i'll deal with that later, i'm too content right now.

http://www.crankyfitness.com/2007/09/biggest-diet-and-exercise-mistake-you.html

Sometimes i think I should read entries like this everyday, as i need constant reminding....

alright, there's this guy. and i think i really like him and i feel happy today.

that is all.

I am freaking out.  I hope this is just a combination of hormones and I will be surfing the crimson wave a little early this month.   

going home does this.  I am so emotional about it, I don't know what to do.  Like there is so much in my head that I feel like I will explode.  

i want to go home, I miss my parents.... or i miss being taken care of.  i'm tired of being an adult right now.  It's been 8 months and that is a long time.  I still have 2 weeks to go!  I can't be this on edge... there are 14 more days to get through.  And for 10 of those i am so broke.  yuck.  

the drinks thing is tonight, i am not even excited.  just want to relax at home, and move all my information onto my hard drive in preparation for the laptop switch over.  

sometimes i get tired of being the new me.  i don't EVER want to be the old me, that is actually terrifying.  But i get tired of trying so hard.... and I have put the pressure on since.... may 17th?  I mean the physical and mental pressure of trying to be my absolute fittest and losing the last bit of weight.... my weight goal has been lowered about 5 times in the last year, as each one was reached and I was not satisfied/knew that i could keep going.  

i feel so stupid as i keep writing about this, my weight etc.  why can't i just get over it and be 'normal'?????  i think about it before every bite of food, (welll, that is a lie, but after, yes, as the not thinking leads to binging.  Ahhhhhh)

oh, put my foot in my mouth yesterday on the run.  my friend k voiced that he's scared i will become anorexic or bulemic, and I tell the RB's, with a snort, like that's ever going to happen.... well J says that she's not sure that anyone is immune to going that route.... and we talk about how we know of odd bulemics (the ceo of a company) because it's all about control..... j i think used to self harm, and I just was all 'i would never do that, blah blah blah'  why am i tit who can't remember stuff????  

scary thought in my head... what if i become an exercise bulimic.  I don't throw up, just work out till i burn off what i ate?  That I could see myself doing.... but the trainer keeps me straight, when i started doing the 2 hour sessions at teh gym, he made me stop and do hard cardio for 30 minutes and 15 for weights/abs.  And i have stuck to that for the majority of my workout days.  just gotta keep going, and eating right, and i will be fine.  

i will be fine.

Last night my aunt called me!  no one from home EVER calls me besides my dad.... I have to phone and e-mail first or I would here nada apart from how i never call. And i know what you're thinking, but really, this doesn't bother me at all.... right.

So Aunt C calls to say that she is watching a cooking show and they are making a recipe that i have actually made (40 cloves of garlic Chicken on the Barefoot Contessa, it is really good, and if the garlic has been prepared properly not as strong as you would expect.  really, you won't repel people from 40 ft. :) )

So I mention my mother, as we always do, and apparently she was not the best of company at my grandparent's 55th wedding anniversary.  And when asked about it, she said she didn't want the talk about it, but especially with my aunt.... now my mum and i think the rest of the family (dad and sisters) think aunt c is sad.  like how her life is and she is depressing to talk to.  so they don't.  c

ommunication in the family is bad anyway, but in the last 2 years it has broken down a lot... I don't know if it can all be traced back to when my uncle was killed, he was by no means the glue of the family.  it hit everyone hard, i thin because in a sense we felt untouched by tragedy.  I felt that way.  

so we are talking about who mom has to confide in, more specifically other women.... and she really doesn't have anyone that she mentions to me at least.  not her sisters, and friends from a few years ago are no longer in her life like they were.  I think every woman (and man) needs a close friend.... she has b&j, but they are a gay couple and as lovely as they are, i think my mom is suffering from a lack of friends.  6 years ago she became a city councilor and her 'real' friends have fallen away to be replaced by people she is friendly with.... not friends.  

I personally need my friends, I confide in them and they are a different sounding board to my family.  As I am living overseas, there is a gulf in the relationship i have with much of my family that I am working on, but immediate feedback and support comes from my friends here.  They are the main reason I want to stay.  

So in the spirit of being a friend to my mom I'm going to ask to spend a day with her.... either go to a museum or the movies and lunch, but really chat about life.  Of course, she could still be in a totaly mood, and I hope she tells me why actually, because I want my parents to be happy.  right now thay seem so down with money talk and home improvements and jsut not being satisfied with their jobs.... I can't fix that, but I can listen.  

Truly I am so excited to go home and see everyone, I just don't want to fight with them about stupid stuff.  Argh.  


Oh, totally got a boost from a story about my grandpa on the 4th of july.... sorry if it's big headed, but the whole communication thing, people don't say they are proud of you in my family a lot.  Or ever.  So when you hear they are it feels good.

my aunt went out to the 'adult porch' at great aunt d's farm house, and all the grandparents are out there sitting, chatting and generally just watching all thepeople as they walk to the fireworks in town.  My granps is talking to antoehr elderly gentleman, and they are talking aobut health or something, and he says that he has a granddaughter who used to be overweight for her age (read: me) but you should see her now, she is beautiful.  The other feller asks what I did and my grandpa says she just started working out and eating right and it isn't a diet for elizabeth, it's a total lifestyle (my grandpa, he gets it!  did we ever talk about it????  I don't know, but I'm sure my aunts and the parents have discussed over a game of cards and the like)  And you should see her, she is really something.  

i love my grandparents, i think they are just happy that i have lost weight and feel better about my life.  I don't have reservations about their feelings ( like it has crossed my mind my mother is jealous, that is why she is a moody cow sometimes.  and the aunts, i think they are happy and wish they could do something, but feel the commitment is too much for them.  My dad might be proud, but he is so bad at talking about serious issues, we just shoot the shit whenever we talk. ) .  

Okay, that was a lot, and there was more discussion in the hour long conversation, but that stuck.  List of home type tasks

1. call mom tonight (???) and see if she wants to take a day to hang out, just the 2 of us
2. make sure I see the grandparents a lot
3. my sisters
4. my other family members.  I don't think this will be a problem as the wedding is smack in the middle of the trip and i will be on family overload by then
5.  see some old school mates..... i think keeping in touch via any means is good, but i can't keep stalking them on facebook.  well, i can, but that is creepy....

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/

i  love blogs.  

Things I am doing this weekend:

Going to 2 gigs
Going out dancing friday and saturday, so freaking excited.
finishing the walls of my room, clearing out my crap.
drop off clothes to the charity shop, I wish I could trade if they have anything i like ;(
call my parents
work out/run no matter what!  the scottish summer can fuck right off
get a mouse trap.  that mouse is on my hit list

http://www.helloquizzy.com/results/the-exercise-personality-test/?fromCGI=1&var_Patience=-2&var_Experience=23&var_Independence=9

 It's becoming a weekly thing really, but that is because if I don't journal it I might go crazy with all the thoughts in my head.




Alright, so shenanigans this weekend.... i like this guy, but pretty sure i'm just a random shag for him.  i like his friend, or i'm at least interested.  and now i can't see him because of the other guy, buty we haven't really done anything!  if we were, fair enough.  

i hate liking people from the same group of friends..... it makes it so complicated.  

then there was the dirty mistress conversation... which even i will not write down.  really really hot.

all this stuff can't go to my head, it will fuck with my training and i will never get to goal. 

i don't want to develop a thing for jerks.... why can't they be lovely and hot.  

pieballs.  

I used to feel so inadequate as a person, not doing well at uni and not feeling good about myself, and now I look back on the last 2 years and feel so thankful for what I had and still have.

My family and friends.  I don't know how to tell them sometimes how much they mean to me.  I am not an easy person to live with, I know it.  But my friends are there anyway.  And nothing makes me fell better than calling my sisters and aunts to talk to them.  


I am a graduate with a decent degree and I have a job.  Sometimes it's not the most exciting but it pays most of my bills.  

I am dissatisfied with staying at this level, I know this.  So back to uni.  In Scotland would be best, but if I move back to america, I can get my masters and find a way back to the uk.  Such a large part of me does not believe I could ever leave here.  And that is tough to explain to everyone back home.  Scotland changed who I was at 18.  I would not know me 6 years ago, or even 2 years ago.  Or rather, I do know her and she had potential.  Working on keeping the good bits, making a better Elizabeth, one who will not back down and is confident in herself.  Edinburgh was hard on my confidence, and if I think that every architecture school is like that then I will never go back.  Or rather I go back and keep up with the other stuff so I can still feel good about me as a person.  

I still have aspirations of being a nutritionist/personal trainer myself.  But that is years away.  All I know is that my want to help other people feel better about themselves has not gone away.  I feel sad that my friend m didn't lose the weight she wanted before she left and that K has stopped running as much.... like if I'd been there for them more they would have kept going.... 

confidence.  I used to have it, be blissfully uncaring about what others thought.  Time to get that back.  I set my mind on a task 2 years ago and am committed for the long haul.  A career is just like that.  I am almost committed to architecture for the next 10 years say.  get a masters, pay off my mountain of debt.  then save for the career i want and go after that.  in 5 years time where do i see myself?

somewhere (scotland or boston or california) finished my second degree and working.  Still taking care of myself and going out dancing to funky r'n'b.  keeping in contact with my friends no matter where they are and i am.  

and confident.  in myself.  
 

My cousin's wedding is in 11 weeks. it would be awesome to be at goal then. the week before i have the summer ball in dartmouth. so looking good in 10 weeks really. ack!

I know I am crazy, but i think writing it down makes me less crazy. yup, less crazy....